Reflecting

I have been such an emotional roller coaster lately. Processing and balancing all that life is bringing to me. I keep looking inside myself for something 'pretty' to post about. I find that there isn't much that is pretty inside my heart these days. I have struggled with how public this forum is- and so much of what is in my heart is not a public discussion right now.

Yesterday I spent the whole day just ANGRY all day. If you looked at me wrong I would feel angry at you. Ever have days like that? I can directly pin down the reason it all started... but it just snowballed all day long... I spent my day miserable.

So, I came home to an empty house for the evening (cause I was a class skipper) and cleaned my kitchen (nothing like scrubbing out your pent up energy) and as I calmed down I switched to baking. By the time bed rolled around... I felt calmer again.

This morning, I find myself carrying the heaviness again. I know from my training that angry is actually a mask for a deeper feeling... hurt, loneliness, sad, fear.... anger just protects us. So... today I feel myself digging deeper to the real feeling- what is going on with me? Why am I so angry?

Urgh!!! I think I have put my finger on it... but then how does one remain professional, calm, and expressing the love of Jesus when they feel like spouting profanities (which I don't do regularly). :)

Well... I think I just talked myself into 'laying in the deep water' and spending time with Jesus. Praying for direction... praying for peace.... and love... and joy.