I feel like I have been tired... sad... and all together lacking joy since last fall. I know that I have been burning the candle at both ends... sometimes in the middle, but that was DEFINITELY the path the God opened for me. When I reflect on the miracle of how this all evolved in me getting my job... even before that, me getting into graduate school... and further back again, it was a miracle how my finished up my undergraduate degree at the last second. ALL of those things were dominoes falling into one another... there was NO WAY that I could have manipulated or worked in my own power to make the cards fall as they did.
Anyhow... back to the Bible story. I am just emotional tonight (been there a lot lately, too much for my liking!), and I read with Hannah the story of the Lepers being healed.... and ONLY ONE turned back to say thank you. I have read and heard this story many many times... but for some reason, it was fresh tonight.... through the childlike faith of a kids bible... that if only I would give thanks... my heart/life would express more joy.
I strive to be real all the time... but I also want to be "happy"... the struggle for me is to be real without dragging people down with me when I don't feel happy.... I guess it is just the balance of choosing who I share my deepest struggles with. What is happiness anyhow... I think that is for another post.
I have a friend who has been one that blesses me deeply... she is someone that I don't spend a lot of time with... but we just connect when we are together. Today she read me like a book... not really knowing what was going on in my head... but she could read my heart. I was so encouraged that the Lord was breathing on our relationship at that moment. It was very evident. She is trustworthy... and confident. I am thankful for her. I am reminded as I am thinking of a word given to me this past summer to press into relationships that God is breathing on. I think this is one.
I am thankful to God for many things.... to many to name them all... but these are some that come to mind:
- My husband... he has been my biggest cheerleader in my whole life. He believes in me in ways that make my eyes well up with tears... he believes in me more that I believe in myself.
- My sweet sleeping children. I love the hug Judah gave me tonight.... that Zeke squeezes my cheeks with his hot feverish hands... that Hannah was smearing lipstick from ear to ear as she crawled into bed tonight.
- I feel very nonspiritual to be so thankful for "stuff"... but I am incredibly grateful for "stuff"
- I am thankful for the ability to work in the same school as my kids.
- I am thankful for blogs... allowing me to stay connected with friends that I don't see much.
- I am thankful that my Dad and Betty were able to come visit this weekend... and that the sickies didn't detour them.
- I am thankful for the opportunity to get an education (speaking of this... I am reminded I am supposed to be doing homework right now) I am also reminded that opportunity was my word for the year. :-)
- I am thankful that God has blessed me with skills and abilities to bless His people... that I can serve for Him. I find amazing joy when I serve for Him... and all it takes is a frame of thinking. I need to keep this focus more often.
- I am thankful for some new relationships that are forming through our small group. I am getting to know some amazing people that I didn't really know before.
- I am thankful for Lindsay's post awhile back with the line.... To be loved is to be known and to known is to be loved. It has been ringing in my heart/mind for many days. It has impacted me.
- I am thankful for this new interest in jogging... it is causing me to face issues I haven't wanted to face. There seems to be some impurities rising from the refining fire. I don't like the whiny person I hear when it is time to get on that treadmill... OK enough negative.
- I am thankful for a life that is exactly what God has planned for me...
It is good to gain perspective... and remember how good my Jesus is. I love Him... and it deeply grieves me to think of myself as one of the nine who walked away... never being grateful for what God has done in my life.
8 comments:
Thanks for sharing what is on your heart. The part where you stated your desire to be real and yet to not pull others down if the real you isn't feeling "happy", at that moment, really struck me. I can SO relate. God bless you, my friend!
There are deep struggles with mental illness in my family. The one thing that I have learned and that has been deeply impressed on my heart by my mother is that silence is deadly. Not necessarily literally deadly but to your soul. Be real with your Maker and He will lead you to those that you can be deeply real with! Putting on the brave face, answering fine when you really don't want to, suffering in silence...we do these things to try to spare others. But we are all one family. The family of God. When one suffers we all do. My heart is heavy for you right now. I will keep you in my prayers. Love you!
I feel that God uses our children to teach us so much more then we could have learned without them. Thank you for being so real, you are awesome!!
Love to you today! Love your message at the top here too! :)
May you be blessed by the "little things" each and every day!
Thank you so much fro sharing this.
I can so relate to those ups and downs.
I hope you are having a womderful day and know that you are loved!
It sounds like your heart is willing to be molded in His way! What a heart you have!
Hang in there! Sharing about being down, isn't being a downer. It's simply letting people know that you might need prayer or encouragement. This blog world is great for prayer chains! God bless you this week and keep thinking of all those things that you are thankful for! Thanks for sharing your "true" heart. It is encouraging to all of us.
Oh, how to live with a grateful and thankful heart all the time. I think we all struggle with this. I love way you think. I can just imagine God wanting to hold you. I'm so very proud of all you're accomplishing---even with its ups and downs. I'll pray.
Post a Comment